My (Second) Desperate Attempt to Become a Criminal

*This blog post is not prurient, but you may not want to read it at work.

Brief Recap:

When I was in college, I was a faithful reader of our campus newspaper, “The Michigan Daily”.  My favorite part of the newspaper was a tiny section about two inches wide called “Crime Notes”.  I loved the “Crime Notes”.  It wasn’t just about the petty crime; in order for a crime to make the campus crime notes it had to be absolutely ridiculous.

Mugshot taken of Nick Nolte, taken following h...

If only his crime had been as ridiculous as this mugshot… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After Operation Inexplicably Fat Dead Possum, I was absolutely salivating to make the campus crime notes.  Also, our hatred of the bitchy sorority girls across the street continued to grow. 

This particular sorority was known for its ridiculous hazing.  This included asking pledges to perform sexual favors in front of everyone, and humiliating girls by stripping them and circling their body fat (also in front of everyone).  Quite frankly, those bitchy girls deserved far worse than our silly pranks.

This time, we decided to focus on the rumors, and help educate them about safe sex.  However, in order to do that, we were going to need condoms, a LOT of condoms.  Rather than go to the store like normal people and buy a party-sized large box of condoms, we decided to utilize the free condoms from University Health Services.

Now, when you’ve given birth in front of a small army it becomes impossible to be prudish about your body.  However, at the time I was nineteen and still pretty innocent.  I walk into UHS, and head up to the second floor.  I whisper to the secretary, “Where are the free condoms?”

She whispers back.  “They’re right there.”

Sure enough, I look down, and they’re right in front of me.  I feel my whole face turning red.  I don’t want to look like a nympho so I grab 4-5 condoms and stuff them in my jacket pocket.  Every single day that week, I go back to UHS, wait until no one is looking, and grab 4-5 more condoms.  A few of my housemates also go, grab way bigger handfuls than me, and we quickly accrue around 100 condoms.

English: Joshua Trees (Yucca brevifolia) at su...

This is a boring photo of a tree.  With a little imagination this tree could look so much better! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Our goal is to decorate the sorority house’s front trees with condoms, but we need to be able to do it quickly.  So we end up blowing them up like balloons and tying them onto string.  That way all we’ll have to do is run across the street and loop quick circles around a couple of trees.  We also make a sign for them on neon green poster board.  We wear rubber gloves while making the sign… although in retrospect it hardly matters because our saliva is all over the condoms.

Surprisingly enough, our plan goes off without a hitch.  We leave them a charming display of condom-decorated trees and a lovely sign about STDs.  The next day, everything is still sitting there.

Since I’m determined to make the illustrious crime notes, I decide to take matters into my own hands.  I call campus security, and use my best Miss. Priss voice.  “I am so offended by that condom display.  It’s like someone thinks STDs are a joking matter.  Campus security should be all over this.  It’s an outrage.”  They ask me for the address, and then inform me that it’s not their concern because it didn’t occur on campus.

I am crushed, absolutely crushed, but I continue to berate the operator.  “Well, someone should remove that horrid display.”  She suggests I call the Ann Arbor police department.  Then she proceeds to hang up on me.

Dejected, I give up on my dream of making the campus crime notes, and instead focus on tequila.  (I don’t really remember the tequila, but I’m told it was quite a lot.)  When we finally do make the damn crime notes, it’s because one of my housemates got her bike stolen.

Alright, I’m not going to ask for condom stories.  (I don’t really want to know any of you that well.)  How about you tell me about pranks instead?  Better yet, ever call the cops on yourself?

**I’m saving my husband’s crime notes story for another day, but I promise that story is classic.

***No comment on who masterminded this particular prank.  Some weirdo.

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25 Responses to My (Second) Desperate Attempt to Become a Criminal

  1. rebecca2000 says:

    LOL Okay so two things. First My WTF Friday post has two of the same reference. You should check out the Star Wars Condom video I post and the STD Scare hotline number 😉

    Second, I had a condom slip off a guy once…it was strange. I am not sure how that happens.

    • I am fairly sure I know how exactly how that happens, but I’ll spare you…

      I am definitely going to have to check out those videos! Oh, and does anything provide more opportunity for puns than a light saber stick?

      • rebecca2000 says:

        Well he wasn’t small actually quite big.

        Nothing is more punny that light saber sticks 😉

        • Ha! I still can’t make a comment on your site to save my life… (Same message.)

          I’m all for recycling, but please don’t tell what the item was in its first life. I don’t care if it’s been through an autoclave, I just can’t wear something that used to be a blow-up doll!

          And I should have realized Lando was going to appear!!

          • rebecca2000 says:

            Sorry about the commenting. You’re the only one I have issues with. Could it be some sort of blocking thing you have on your computer? You can always email Rebecca@ladyornot.com

            As for the rest, yeah not sure if they could get that clean enough for me. LOL I have so much fun with my wtf Fridays 🙂

  2. A Dog With Fleas says:

    I laughed so hard at this post!! And lament at you not making your Campus Crime Notes!! Damn Campus Security!!

    Not sure if this constitutes a Prank, but when I was in College, my College Best Friend and I hated our roomates and wanted to room together. So while both were away for the weekend, we just moved my Best Friend’s Roomate’s things into my Roomate’s Dorm Room so we could live together without asking either of them.

    The look on their face as she walked in and say my stuff there was priceless!! She was a disgusting slob who stole from her daily, so we didn’t feel to bad about it. And thankfully, she did not care so it worked out in the end!

    • I look back at this whole thing with mild horror as well as amusement. The universe is going to pay me back for this someday…

      Actually those kind of “disappearing tricks” are always hysterical. I used to always steal my grandfather’s keys and wallet, so I know all about that look… (For the record, I stole his keys and wallet so that he couldn’t leave, but if you do it enough, you get much better at the pickpocketing part.)

  3. lool hilarious:)
    i’ve only ever done like one prank, I went up to people and put a fake bug in their hair and then went “I think you’ve got something in your hair.,… OMG ITS A BUGGGGG!!!!!!” Then my victim would start yelling even louder than me and like some would lliterally run away! So funny

  4. speaker7 says:

    Loved this story. I wish I had some prank-filled fun to share, but I’m a total wuss.

  5. Michelle says:

    So funny! I take it your “life of crime” is no more? 😉
    Visiting from TGIF Blog hop!

  6. In this case, they weren’t hit by a smooth criminal.

  7. Wow, it takes wit and courage to pull off something like that! Cheers! More tequila…=>

  8. Mooselicker says:

    Condom pranks always work out well. I think in my high school someone went around putting them on doorknobs. Condoms are almost as goofy looking as the objects they’re supposed to wrap around.

  9. AndrewElizabeth says:

    Hmmm….well, this reminds me of a prank by someone who will remain anonymous…she decided it would be amusing to blow up balloons with questionable messages written on them underneath a friend’s dorm room door so his room would be filled with them when he got home…unfortunately, said friend returned home with parents in tow…and they did not find the messages so amusing.

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