I should preface this with a brief explanation. I love America, and have no desire to live elsewhere… unless I’m offered a really good tiara. As it turns out, when offered cushy chairs and jewel encrusted capes, I can be persuaded to
do just about anything live elsewhere.
Since Rich of Brainsnorts suggested we start our own country, we decided to outline the basic principles of kingdom building.
1. Urban planning is very important. Make sure to build a giant model out of Legos first. Blocks can only go so far, but those basic, primary colors will help to make a great flag.
2. Construct a giant wall. Pacifism is preferred, and a giant wall should help. The best way to be Amish is to be surrounded by people who are not Amish; second best is to build a giant wall.
3. Just in case, there should still be an armory. I often think about how important prevention is while I’m eating my daily bacon.
4. Recognize that the right climate is essential. Most fruits and vegetables grow better in a warmish climate. Also, the pigs will like it, and there will be lots and lots of pigs. This is another reason for the giant wall – to keep the rabbits away from the fruits and vegetables and to keep the pigs from running away. Pigs are smart, and they know their real purpose and potential is in the form of long, rectangular strips.
5. We shall have very loose tax laws and numerous resorts. That will encourage rich folks to bank in our country and help build our economy. Should you happen to be a “rich folk,” please fill out a questionnaire to let us know which amenities you’d like at the resort. WiFi is already included. Butlers optional.
6. Dammit. Warm climate. Plan for the inevitable sunburn. Invest heavily in Neutrogena Sport Sunnlock, SPF 2 Million. Another way to avoid sunburn is to remain underwater, so we’ll have to consider building a waterpark.
7. Build several hospitals. Rich folks get persnikety about medical care in foreign countries. Make sure each hospital has at least 40 spare generators and 20 plastic surgeons. (Thank goodness the rest of the world uses our nation as a tax shelter.)
8. We should have several theatres, with good restaurants and speakeasies nearby. Creative folks draw positive media attention in a way that filthy rich capitalists do not. It’s a symbiotic thing. Without some criminals lurking about, Batman would be little more than a threatening doorman.
9. Cats are not permitted. All other pet ownership is encouraged, but especially pigs.
10. A good name is essential to attracting the right folks. The Richlovian Isle of Bacon has a really nice ring to it. Since the name requires that we be an island, swimming lessons and a boat are mandatory. Learning all the words to Sloop John B is optional.
Feel free to join us, and/or be the first to invest in our fine offshore accounts! We promise not to tell as long as you cut us in…