How to Build a Kingdom Using Nothing but Imagination and Bacon

The talented Ms. Blunt shall be playing my role today. (Photo

I should preface this with a brief explanation.  I love America, and have no desire to live elsewhere… unless I’m offered a really good tiara.  As it turns out, when offered cushy chairs and jewel encrusted capes, I can be persuaded to do just about anything live elsewhere.

Since Rich of Brainsnorts suggested we start our own country, we decided to outline the basic principles of kingdom building.

1. Urban planning is very important.  Make sure to build a giant model out of Legos first. Blocks can only go so far, but those basic, primary colors will help to make a great flag.

2. Construct a giant wall.  Pacifism is preferred, and a giant wall should help.  The best way to be Amish is to be surrounded by people who are not Amish; second best is to build a giant wall.

3. Just in case, there should still be an armory.  I often think about how important prevention is while I’m eating my daily bacon.

4. Recognize that the right climate is essential.  Most fruits and vegetables grow better in a warmish climate.  Also, the pigs will like it, and there will be lots and lots of pigs.  This is another reason for the giant wall – to keep the rabbits away from the fruits and vegetables and to keep the pigs from running away.  Pigs are smart, and they know their real purpose and potential is in the form of long, rectangular strips.

English: We three pigs Three pigs near to Narb...

Don’t worry.  We won’t eat any that are named Wilbur. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

5. We shall have very loose tax laws and numerous resorts.  That will encourage rich folks to bank in our country and help build our economy.  Should you happen to be a “rich folk,” please fill out a questionnaire to let us know which amenities you’d like at the resort.  WiFi is already included.  Butlers optional.

6. Dammit.  Warm climate.  Plan for the inevitable sunburn.  Invest heavily in Neutrogena Sport Sunnlock, SPF 2 Million.  Another way to avoid sunburn is to remain underwater, so we’ll have to consider building a waterpark.

it was either this or a photo of Kim Kardashian…  You’re welcome. (Photo Credit:

7. Build several hospitals.  Rich folks get persnikety about medical care in foreign countries.  Make sure each hospital has at least 40 spare generators and 20 plastic surgeons.  (Thank goodness the rest of the world uses our nation as a tax shelter.)

8. We should have several theatres, with good restaurants and speakeasies nearby.  Creative folks draw positive media attention in a way that filthy rich capitalists do not.  It’s a symbiotic thing.  Without some criminals lurking about, Batman would be little more than a threatening doorman.

9. Cats are not permitted.  All other pet ownership is encouraged, but especially pigs.

10. A good name is essential to attracting the right folks.  The Richlovian Isle of Bacon has a really nice ring to it.  Since the name requires that we be an island, swimming lessons and a boat are mandatory.  Learning all the words to Sloop John B is optional.

Feel free to join us, and/or be the first to invest in our fine offshore accounts!  We promise not to tell as long as you cut us in…

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43 Responses to How to Build a Kingdom Using Nothing but Imagination and Bacon

  1. El Guapo says:

    Are you sure you want people to have pigs as pets?
    Imagine poor Bobby’s disappointment when Snuffles disappears during the weekly bacon festival.

    Only to turn up a few hours later as a delicioouuuusss BLT…

  2. I love it! I want my own country too! And a tiara! Unlike my 12 year old, I still want to be a princess or better Queen of All I Survey.
    Although a stay at the Isle of Bacon sounds divine! I love that there are no cats.

  3. Oh, another person doing Yeah Write. I should really try to submit something, but they say there is supposed to be a point to it. I’m not sure if I can do that.

  4. Okay, I don’t have your email so let’s have a conversation heres, okays? I also signed up for the picket fence thing, but it will NOT let me post the button in the image url box. I post the code, save, and it disappears from the box and then messes up the button. I am so fab with tech, but I’ve never had it do that before.

  5. If cats aren’t allowed, I’m not moving :(.

  6. rich says:

    this was so interesting that i thought i might have written it. well done, miss. i prefer smoked bacon, maybe applewood.

  7. La La says:

    Are mini alpacas allowed? If so, I’m in. Let me go hoooome, I wanna go hoooome.

  8. saradraws says:

    Well, I’m not a rich folk, but I’m pretty good at speaking and being easy, so I can contribute in a meaningful way. See you soon. I’ll take the next flying pig in.

  9. haphillips says:

    I like walls because they keep in plagues as well…..

  10. Carrie Rubin says:

    Ahh, cat lovers around the world are weeping…

  11. You had me at pigs. Can I arrange for a pet pig when I arrive in your country?

  12. speaker7 says:

    Daily bacon and legos? I’m in.

  13. lol! this is like an adult’s fairy tale post! can I live in your kingdom?

  14. Also, a bacon based economy would be a good way to avoid conflict such as we are seeing in the Gaza at the moment,given that neither side in that struggle can abide being anywhere near bacon.

  15. Haha! This is hilarious! I thought I was the only person to brainstorm about the best ways to rule my own country! So true about the wall. That is a big one on my list!

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